Man Cold vs The Period: An Unfair Comparison

Man Cold vs The Period: An Unfair Comparison

Man Cold: noun \ˈman kōld\ An irritating worldwide condition shared by all members of the male persuasion wherein a mild cold is evident but the combination of simple symptoms is apparently life-threatening, according to the patient.

Period: noun \ˈpir-ē-əd\ A monthly pain in the ass women have in common but don’t complain about.


Not because we have recently experienced any Mister man colds, but in anticipation of the weather changes and because he announced he has a scratchy throat we have been bracing ourselves. We also have a Mister Mini who has inherited the MC affliction. Shaggy had his MC already this season and it has taken me three weeks to find and clear out all the random tissues strewn amongst the smelly socks (a story unto itself!).

The boys claim that periods can’t be as bad as the big MC. Daphne and I rolled our eyes because those can sync up too. So, I present concrete proof that the man cold is nothing short of a random annoyance to the sufferer. You know I meant any female inhabitant of the household when I said sufferer, right?

The Man ColdThe Period
You get one or two a year without having to change your lifestyle.HA! If you only get two a year, cue lifestyle change.
You get to lie on the couch and watch TV while people bring you tea and soup.You get to go to work, make dinner, bring tea and soup to anyone else in the house.
You have aches and pains and remind anyone within earshot that you are sick.If you mention any discomfort (stomach or head aches in particular) people tell you to take a Midol.
You get sympathy from other men.Men get sympathy from other men because they know they are on their wife's 'days off.'
People would never accuse you or ask you if you have a man cold.If you have an off day, it is immediately presumed you have your period or are about to get it. It is apparently socially acceptable (correction, it is NOT, but people still do it) to ask a woman if she is on the rag. A phrase we all despise BTW.
People tell you to rest, take it easy, and feel better.People don't want to talk to you about it.
If you mention 'murder scene,' they ask what channel.If you mention 'murder scene,' everyone within earshot thinks you are disgusting.
You don't feel like eating much and likely even lose a few pounds.HA! Food in sight=food in mouth. Don't go near the scale.
If you cheat on your Netflix series while sick, you will claim you had nothing to watch because you were so sick and your partner is expected to understand.If you cheat on your Netflix series because you just need to lie down for a minute, hell hath no fury like a husband with FOMO.
You tell everyone within earshot you have a cold.You tell no one and hide any evidence.
You still want sex.You say no, because ick, and don't feel guilty about it at all.

I’d say that is pretty convincing evidence. If you are currently suffering with a man cold, my suggestion is to get some construction ear muffs, open the wine, and close your eyes in the bath. It is harder to hear the whining that way.

If you liked this, read these posts next When is it Appropriate to Ask, “Are You About to Get Your Period?” and Why I Would Rather Be a Dance Mum Than a Hockey Mum.


Comments

  1. Fortunately, I’m past the period days. Although don’t let anyone fool you, the moods still come on schedule. Sometimes I feel like every werewolf movie I’ve ever seen – you know – one minute the guy is walking around and the next he’s screeching and bones are popping out and teeth are growing…..yeah, that’s still me. And you’d think, after 47 years of marriage, my husband would recognize the signs and get the hell out of my way, but noooo, he still gets in my face (which I actually don’t shred with my newly grown claws), but can’t seem to find any tissues (which are in every room in the apartment) when he’s got the sniffles.

    • You mean it will never change? WTF?!
      I love when I hear from the couch, “Where are the tissues?” I know that if he only just tilted his head a little to the left he’d see them. Men. Can’t live with them. Can’t shoot them.

  2. Well, yes you can. You just need a really good friend with a van.

  3. Yup.

    I especially hate that last one on the menstrual side of things, because everyone’s got that one friend who’s like, “Um, period sex is AWESOME. Just put a towel down and stop being so squeamish.”

    1. No.
    2. Hells to the no.
    3. My husband doesn’t consider my sloughed off uterine lining any sexier than I do, so no, I don’t “owe it to him to try it”.
    4. Washing bloodstains out of a towel is not my idea of post-coital bliss. I’m crampy and hormonal and the last thing I want to do is more laundry. Unless you’re volunteering to come over and take care of that for me? Yeah, didn’t think so.
    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted…Think of something you’re grateful for.My Profile

  4. As a man I don’t think I am allowed to comment on this post, and you certainly won’t get me to admit how damningly accurate it might be. 🙂
    Arionis recently posted…Let’s Get LIIT!My Profile

  5. If we men were honest–and I realize there’s a slim chance of that–we’d stop calling it a “man cold” and just admit it’s hypochondria.
    In fact I support all women who respond to every man cold with “Hey, it could be worse. You could be bloated and bleeding for three to seven days at least once a month.”
    Christopher recently posted…Confessions In The Dark.My Profile

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