Breaking News: Teenagers Admitted to Area Hospital. New Syndrome Suspected.

Breaking News: Teenagers Admitted to Area Hospital. New Syndrome Suspected.

Daphne, a 15-year-old girl in grade 10, was recently diagnosed with torn oblique muscles and a chronic twitch that appears to not be related to any nervous system condition such as Turrets Syndrome. The source of this condition can only be described as ‘ducking violently and often.’

Daphne’s mother, Kristine, describes the household in detail in her hospital admittance report.

“Having the same characteristics or qualities as; similar to, having the same characteristics or qualities as; similar to, having the same characteristics or qualities as; similar to.” the report continues. According to Daphne, this phrase is all her mother can, like, say anymore.

“My Mum is like, obvi like whacked out. She like says this like phrase that like drives me crazy. Something about like similar to, like the quality of like character. I like don’t know what it like means,” Daphne continued while texting. “She keeps like trying to swing like crap at my head. I like can’t even.”

This reporter noted that when Daphne, in fact, said the word ‘like,’ she had an involuntary duck and twitch followed by a groan of pain that she seemed unphased by as she concentrated on something apparently important on her phone.

The doctors at Toronto’s Grace Hospital told us this is not the first case they have seen of these injuries presenting together in teens.

“Generally we review these cases while the patient is using their phone. It allows us the quiet we need to determine a course of action,” Dr Simile said. “We have named this new adolescent syndrome the Like Duck Now Syndrome. LDNS for short,” he continued. “We have determined that the teens are bracing for impact when they talk, specifically, when they say the word like as a sentence filler.”

‘My mum is like always trying to like get me to slow down and like stop using the like word like. I don’t even like say it that much,’ Daphne added. ‘She should like hear my like friends. They are like, sorry, BRB,’ and that was the end of Daphne’s comments.

This reporter tried to get a statement from Kristine but found her catatonic with nothing but an occasional twitch to ensure she was breathing.

Other teens in the emergency department suffering the same injuries have left in stiff back braces, helmets, shoulder pads, and kevlar vests. So far no permanent cure for LDNS has been found except removing the parent from the home, which, the parents interviewed in the emergency department waiting room for this article agree, is just not going to happen. As a side note, we uncovered that leaving teens at home alone might cause damage to the property. We can only assume it is because of the violent twitching from LDNS that is causing this phenomenon.

Hospital emergency wards are bracing for an influx of LDNS cases this Mother’s Day weekend as mothers expect some peace and quiet and can’t handle the constant ‘likes.’ The hospital often sees an increase in admittance around holidays, weekends, and school breaks. We saw one emergency room nurse wheeling around a medical trolley full of construction headphones. A solution must be found and soon.


Before you call child protective services, this is satire folks. Parts are based on truth (the like like parts), but the throwing is really just a fantasy to get me through any conversation. That sounds bad too. Not a fantasy, but maybe a thought. A fleeting idea that would never happen–that’s it.


Comments

  1. Oh the irony that I just “liked” this. Lol
    Patricia recently posted…Their Tiny Two-Cents WorthMy Profile

  2. Haha; love your satire. I remember those days well. I wonder if the doctor had any theory about why the word ‘like’ seems to be the only term used by teens in the last 15 years. Strange phenomenon; you’d think they’d use ‘feed me’ or something like that instead to communicate with parents better! and yes, I just ‘liked’ too!
    Helen recently posted…Empathy: the people skillMy Profile

    • Like I have no idea. I’m pretty sure I used like as well and that is more than 15 years! I remember the Valley Girls in the 80s made it popular so I wonder if it was even before then? So, like totally annoying.

  3. Following closely on the heels of “like”, is the sound “um”. That one is almost more obnoxious as it pretends the speaker is just searching for the proper word, rather than just stalling and filling space. (Sigh, yes, I “liked” it too).

  4. Luckily there was an “Enjoyed” button I could click for this one, as well as an “Amused by” button, an “Appreciated” button, and a “You kids get off my lawn!” button, although I skipped that one. It seemed a little too hostile.
    Christopher recently posted…Moving Right Along.My Profile

  5. You know I, like, really liked this post and I, like, went to press the like button, but, like, I accidently press the like tag, which, like just brought this same post back up and I, like, said “Oh well, you can, like, read it again.” So that’s, like, what I did and then I, like, pressed the real like button. **ducking**
    Arionis recently posted…Eye Just Can’t Help MyselfMy Profile

  6. Perfect.

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